Stephanie Lynn Stevens

Less Makes Room For More


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Why I’m Thankful I Spent 5 Years in a Cult, Part 5: Helpful Resources for Spiritual Abuse Recovery

cult graphic2

I’m working on the next installment of the series, but I am struggling.  I’ve written it twice and it’s still not right.

So today I’m just going to share some of my favorite resources with you.  If you’ve been hurt by religion or if you struggle to understand grace, I hope that these will help you.

BOOKS ON SPIRITUAL ABUSE

spiritual_abuse

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse

This book helped me understand what had happened to me.  If you’ve experienced spiritual abuse (or you think you may have) from a church, religion, organization, movement, or family, this book will help you sort it all out in your mind.

churches that abuse

Churches that Abuse

Another book that helps you recognize and understand abusive churches.

toxic-faith

Toxic Faith

I reviewed this book here.  It addresses toxic faith in its many manifestations and helps you understand what drives abusers and why they do what they do.

HELPFUL BLOGS

Many blogs by survivors come from a place of deep hurt and even rejection of faith and antagonism toward God.  These stories break my heart, and I believe that anyone who has experienced abuse should tell their story if they wish.  Our stories are powerful and can be a great catalyst for healing.  Stories should be honored.

However, I want to focus on a couple of blogs written by people who did not lose their faith, but let their spiritual abuse experience drive them to discover the boundless love and grace of God which enabled them to heal and become spiritually strong.  These voices are a soothing balm to the damaged soul, and yet don’t hesitate to stand up against abusive and cultic movements.

Recovering Grace 

This blog is geared toward survivors of Bill Gothard’s ATI “ministry,” but there is much to be gained by anyone who has experienced legalistic, damaging Christianity or religion.  Founded by a former ATI student who is now a seminary professor, Recovering Grace draws from a variety of people to share about their experiences and to offer hope and healing.  One helpful focus is their April series on sexual abuse.  This blog is a great resource and will help you understand that you are not alone.

Grace for my Heart

This blog is written by an older, seasoned pastor with a heart to help others understand how deeply and fully they are loved and accepted by God.  My favorite part of this blog is Narcissist Friday.  Do you have anyone in your life who is an absolute puzzle?  They charm others, they say the right things, and they appear to those on the outside to be deeply spiritual, yet ultimately you find out that they are not what they claim to be?  Have you experienced cognitive dissonance, that brain-bending confusion that makes you feel like you are crazy, when what they say and what they do doesn’t match up and you can’t seem to reconcile what’s going on?  Have you ever been duped by a spiritual authority, only to find that the person they appeared to be does not exist and their real identity is that of an abuser?  Maybe you have even felt like the person you “knew” died and you are left with a stranger who goes by the same name.  These posts on narcissism may help you sort through this confusion to find understanding and healing.

BOOKS TO HELP YOU LEARN TO WALK IN GRACE

grace awakening

The Grace Awakening

This book turned me upside down as it revealed the depth of God’s grace and acceptance.  If you’ve been bound by religious rules that have left you spiritually, emotionally, and even physically spent, then this book will be like a long drink of cold water.

families-where-grace-is-in-place

GRACE_BASED_PARENTING

Families Where Grace is in Place and Grace Based Parenting will help you how to apply God’s gospel of Grace to all your family relationships–spouse and children.  Rather than operating from an authoritarian place of hyper-control, this book will help you understand how to extend to your family the grace God has extended to you so that you can dwell together in peace, harmony, and wholeness.  Living out grace in families is NOT about boundary-less, ooshy gooshy, anything goes parenting.  Rather, it’s treating our families like Jesus would.

These are just a few resources that can help those who have been spiritually abused or who struggle to grasp grace.  What are your favorites?  Please share so that we can all benefit!

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I’d like to invite you to like me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter.  I’ll be excited to see you there!

You can find part 1 of this series here, part 2 here , part 3 here and part 4 here.


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Cozy Homeschooling: It’s OK to Quit

quitting graphicSystematic drill, regular assessment, and a pass-fail grading system: we’ve been conditioned that this is how kids learn best.

That’s a generalization, of course, but the underlying belief is that if a child isn’t getting something, we need to keep forging ahead, drilling and persisting until there is a breakthrough.

 However, a friend and I compared notes the other day and agreed: our kids seem to learn so much better when they aren’t under pressure, and I’ve learned this quite by accident.

 Years ago my oldest, then 6 or 7, struggled with reading. I wanted her to be fluent. She wasn’t. She laboriously sounded out every word. We hammered away at the phonics lessons. We changed curriculum, which helped a bit.

And then I decided we just needed to back off. We were both worn out. I think it wasn’t so much an intentional strategy as it was that neither of us had it in us to keep up the struggle. We had to rest.

After a short while I noticed improvement in her intuitive reading: signs, labels, bits of everyday text.

A few months later when we went back to the phonics book, she had gotten it. Just like that. I flipped through, having her read from various lessons. We were able to skip 80 lessons and soon gave up the book altogether!

 She fell in love with reading and soon read at a 12th grade level. She also reads freakishly fast. (I was going to tell you how fast, but it’s so extreme that I’m afraid it would look like I’m lying! Ha!)

My conditioning said that I should push harder, practice more, drill consistently until she got it. But the truth?

Her brain needed a break, and she got it when she was ready.

More recently one of my children got completely stuck in math. This coincided with leaving our mold house and all of our books, so in the meantime math has been very low-key—mostly review of basic concepts through free printable worksheets. There’s been no pressure, nothing terribly hard. Even after our new books came in, we’ve mostly kept it simple while we dealt with all the ramifications of starting our lives over.

Then one day an alien overtook my child’s body this child woke up and picked up the newly acquired math book without prompting. Opened to the lesson where we’d been stuck. Read it. Asked for the conciding Khan Academy video. Worked the Khan practice lessons. When offered help said, “I AM going to get this, mom!” And worked until the goal was accomplished.

 I am learning that freedom and readiness are two powerful aspects of learning. I believe that a one-size-fits-all learning schedule and the pressure of an institutional approach actually hamper a child’s natural ability to learn.

 So in my experience, it’s OK to quit…at least for a little while.

If your child is struggling, maybe his brain just needs a break. Maybe he’s not quite ready.

Set it aside for a while and try again later. It really is OK to do this. Remember, you can “catch up” at any time. Seasoned homeschooling moms keep reminding me that one of the beauties of homeschooling is that there really is enough time. By working with instead of against your child, this process is likely to be a lot faster and less stressful for everyone.

 I know this might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s a revelation to me. I’ve just learned by trial and error—mostly error.

So maybe my little story will save you some stress.

Follow your child’s lead. Take the pressure off. Watch, and see what happens!

What do you think?  Can quitting be a powerful learning tool?

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I’d like to invite you to like me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter.  I’ll be excited to see you there!

{art: Jessie Wilcox Smith}


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Best Bargains for Paper, Craft Supplies, and More!

journals2At the end of the week I love to share some practical help for living a simpler, more frugal or healthy life.

Today I want to tell you about my favorite place for little craft and paper bargains—Michael’s Craft Store!

Craft supplies are so expensive.

But many people don’t know that Michael’s has a row of dollar bins that puts Target to shame—and I love Target! Everything from journals (like the ones in the picture, which we use for Thankful Journals, Project Journals, and just for fun) to note cards to pretty pens, stickers, rubber stamps, socks, cupcake liners, ribbon rolls—you name it!

Even better, when one “batch” cycles out of rotation, these items go on clearance for next to nothing. I have gotten socks for 30 cents and a rubber stamp for a penny!

 Additionally (and better known), Michael’s web site has a weekly printable 40% off coupon for almost any item. Recently I purchased a simple sewing machine to replace the one we lost in our mold house. At 40% off, I paid around $65. (Wal-Mart had the same machine for $130.)

When I decided to get one for my girls too, I went to print another coupon only to find that they featured a one-day 50% off coupon! The sales girl was none too thrilled as she told me that now I was paying LESS than they had paid for the machines, but a policy is a policy and my coupon was good.

I have also found great deals on scrapbook paper at Michael’s. Do your little girls love crafting with pretty paper as much as mine? Michael’s often sells scrapbook paper 5 sheets for a dollar, which is much cheaper than sales at any other craft store I’ve seen.

Not only that, but once they had a massive bin of clearance paper for much less. I got large specialty embossed papers (you know, the oversized ones that are so fancy they come in a sleeve?) for 14 cents a sheet!

There are other places I love to shop for craft supplies. Hobby Lobby is my favorite-ever store.

But when it comes to sweet little bargains, I think Michael’s takes the cake.

 How do you save on craft supplies?

P.S. I’m not compensated in any way to write about Michael’s, I just love to share my favorite bargains!

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I’d like to invite you to like me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter.  I’ll be excited to see you there!


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Why I’m Thankful I Spent 5 Years in a Cult, Part 4: I Found My Identity

cult graphic2Cults, and really any dysfunctional system, build on false identity. 

The group or movement and its accoutrements IS your identity.

The dress, the language, the activities, the elitist beliefs: in the mind of a cult member, THIS IS WHO I AM.

It’s human nature taken to a whole new toxic level.

We all tend to base our identities on what we do rather than who we are.  For years, I could have summed up my identity as Farmgirl, Homeschooler, and Shy.  That’s how I viewed myself.  That’s who I thought I was.

Others I have known have based their identities on career, appearance, sexiness, family, hobby, ethnicity/nationality, passion, or role.

Really, we can base our identity, our sense of personhood and worth, on almost anything that makes up a big part of our lives. 

Our identity can be negative (“fat”) or positive (“star athlete”).

The problem with basing our identities on these things is that they are transient.  They change.  They aren’t eternal.

If a girl bases her identity on fitness and beauty, what happens when age catches up with her or if she’s in an accident that scars her?

If a guy bases his identity on his job, what happens when he gets the pink slip?

What does a mom do when her identity has been completely wrapped up in mothering, but her children grow independent and leave the nest?

Even things we were born with (like nationality) won’t matter when we’re dead.

A healthy identity must come from that which is changeless, the true, forever part of us, our souls…but not who we think we are, not who we say we are, because our perspective is always skewed. Our identity should be based on who God–the only changeless and perfect one, the one who made us and loves and knows us best–says we are.

Once I stepped away from the cult and its aftermath, I had to ask myself, “Who am I?” 

I wasn’t in the cult anymore.  I wasn’t bound to any particular lifestyle or set of rules.  I was no longer a homeschool student and I lived in a rough neighborhood–hardly the idyllic farm.  I was shy, but I increasingly recognized that for the self-centeredness that it was.

Who was I?

When we’re faced with these crises of identity, we can either craft a new identity that will, at some point, fall apart, or we can pursue an unchanging one.

Thanks to the gentle counsel of my husband (he’s a keeper, y’all), I started to unpack who I really was.

Who I am. 

Who I will always be, no matter how my roles, hobbies, location, and appearance change.

That could be another series for a lot more days, but I’ll leave you with the list (found in scripture but compiled here).  Study it for yourself if you like.

If you belong to Jesus, this is your identity too.  You can rest in that.  You don’t have to strive to be anything else.

I am accepted…
John 1:12 I am God’s child.
John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.
Romans 5:1 I have been justified.
1 Corinthians 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.
1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ’s body.
Ephesians 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Colossians 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Colossians 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ.
Hebrews 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.
I am secure…
Romans 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation.
Romans 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.
Romans 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Colossians 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Philippians 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Timothy 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18 I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.
I am significant…
John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Corinthians 3:16 I am God’s temple.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Ephesians 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Ephesians 2:10 I am God’s workmanship.
Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

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I’d like to invite you to like me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter.  I’ll be excited to see you there!

You can find part 1 of this series here, part 2 here and part 3 here.


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Cozy Homeschooling: Chocolate Chip Math

cc math graphicSometimes the simplest things are the most effective.

When my 3rd baby turned 5, I bought her an inexpensive Strawberry Shortcake math book and a bag of chocolate chips.  Every day she did “chocolate chip math.”  The chips were our delicious manipulatives.

For each simple addition or subtraction problem, we counted out the numbers in chocolate chips.  And when we were done, she ate them.

She so looked forward to math time each day.

And here’s the funny thing.

She LOVES math now, as a second grader. 

She understands how the numbers work together. 

She thinks in numbers. 

She says, “Who wouldn’t love math?  Without numbers we’re nothing!”

Some of this, I’m sure, is an inherent penchant for numbers.  But some of it, I’m convinced, is because math (a traditionally intimidating subject) was made so fun for her.  The sensory experience drove home the way numbers work together in her mind.

I will be honest, I had NO intention of making math great for her with our simple little method.  I had just wised up a bit, relaxed a little (I wasn’t so worried about having the most amazing, rigorous lessons) and wanted her to learn how to add and subtract.

But somehow, quite by accident, it surpassed my expectations and turned out a little girl who is in love with numbers.

Now that’s sweet!

How have you helped your children love a subject that’s typically intimidating?

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I’d like to invite you to like me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter.  I’ll be excited to see you there!

{art: Henri Le Sidaner}

 

cozy homeschooling graphic

This is part of Cozy Homeschooling, an ongoing series.  For the rest of the Cozy Homeschooling posts, click here.


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Cozy Homeschooling: How to Homeschool Older Children With a Busy Toddler in the House

toddler hs graphicI’ve had one or more preschoolers nearly from the beginning of my homeschooling career, and I’m asked about this almost more often than almost any other homeschooling topic.

“How in the world do I homeschool with a toddler?”

There are toddlers.

And then there are toddlers like mine. 

He is never, and I mean NEVER still.  He is ALL boy.  He’s a high-energy bundle of sensory-seeking curiosity.

If he can push it, crash it, climb it, swing from it, jump on it, pull it, turn it over, stomp on it, tear it, run his hands through it, or make it create noise, that’s what he’ll be doing.  His little brain and body crave constant stimulation.

His attention span is minute—so even when I do find an activity to engage him, it doesn’t last long.  He isn’t easily influenced.   Present him with an enticing opportunity, he’s just as likely to say a firm “NO!” as he is to accept.  Even at two, he knows his own mind.

Don’t get me wrong.  He is the sweetest, cuddliest, most loving little guy who give the best hugs and kisses, tells me constantly that he loves me, thanks me for everything, and wants to help me with anything I do.  He responds well to gentle connection most of the time (although if I go head to head with him, I realize why there has to be a better way!)

I don’t see his active, inquisitive traits as negatives.   God has made him strong, active, and curious, and one day he will be an adventurous leader.  We adore him.

But right now?  He is exhausting!

Needless to say this little buddy regularly derails our homeschool day.  In fact, it’s rare that we can get through a full sentence without redirecting him or saving him from peril.

TV and snacks are some of the easiest ways to keep him occupied for a short while, but you can imagine why I don’t want to rely on these alternatives too much.  Turning to food and entertainment to assuage boredom aren’t habits I want to instill.  Rather, my goal is to ultimately channel his curiosity into a love of learning and a determination to satisfy his inquisitive mind, to turn his activity into action!

I tell you all of this about my little one to say that my attitude wasn’t always so positive.  Not all of my children have been this busy (in fact, he takes the cake), but in my early mom days I viewed this kind of strong-willed, forceful little person as an adversary, and his traits as shortcomings to conquer.  Now I see what an asset his personality will be to him as he grows older, and how much easier it is to mother him when I connect to his heart instead of waging war.

My buddy needs activity.  Without it, he goes crazy (and gets in trouble).

And while our homeschooling is much more relaxed than it once was, we still have times when we need to sit down and just do the work.

How do these things go together?

Recently I’ve learned a new strategy that satisfies the needs of all of us. 

***WE TAKE OUR WORK OUTSIDE!***

Baby gets to run and play in the grass, wiggle, jump, catch bugs, and splash in puddles under my watchful eye.  His sensory needs are satisfied.  He comes in tired and ready for a nap.

We set up a folding table in the shade and use that time to read aloud, have phonics lessons, and go over math sheets.

We all get sunshine and fresh air.

The house stays tidier because we are not in it.

There’s really no downside to this arrangement!

This perfect spring weather won’t last forever.  Soon I’ll have to adjust my strategy a bit.

But for now, school outside is the best thing going!

I know my tip for homeschooling with a toddler is just one of many.  Please tell how you keep your little one busy while you homeschool your older children!  We want to know!

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I’d like to invite you to like me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter.  I’ll be excited to see you there!

{art: Jessie Wilcox Smith}

cozy homeschooling graphic

This is part of Cozy Homeschooling, an ongoing series.  For the rest of the Cozy Homeschooling posts, click here.


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Reading~Knitting~Linking~Dreams Coming True

armoir1

My friends who have followed me on Pinterest since the beginning know I’ve had a thing for aqua.

I’ve dreamed of an aqua statement piece somewhere in my house, but I figured it was just a dream…Maybe one day.

One day is here!  A friend gave us this beautiful armoir.  We’ve accepted very few used items since leaving our home, not out of snobbishness (I have a phobia of appearing snobby), but because we needed to source each item to make sure it was safe for our family as we heal from long-term toxic mold exposure. 

At first we didn’t think we could use this wonderful dark wood piece because it had slight water damage in the bottom and the mustiness that accompanies porous materials that have been exposed to moisture.  Fine for most people, but sadly not for us.  Then we decided we had nothing to lose by spraying it with an antifungal and sealing it with a good coat of paint.

It turned out to be absolutely usable and I am so excited that we tried it.  I’m also happy that I went out on a limb and chose aqua, which felt daring, instead of our other option, white.  It makes me happy every time I look at it.

{For the curious, I primed it with Zinsser 1-2-3–which is kind of smelly–and painted it with Valspar Ultra low-odor, zero VOC paint + primer in Sea Wave.  It is expensive (30ish dollars a gallon), but by far the best paint I have ever used–thick, drip-resistant, and smooth, with very little smell.  Highly recommend!  And no, I’m not being compensated for this, I just love this paint and I know you will too!}

Little-House-in-the-Ozarks-9780883659687

In other happy news, I cashed in a couple of Amazon gift cards given by precious, generous friends.  One of the books I chose was Little House in the Ozarks, a compilation of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s newspaper columns that she wrote before the Little House on the Prairie books.  I have always loved essays and columns, and this book was a treasured friend in our home library that no longer exists. 

I purchased it with the intent of digitizing it (for my own use only) since it’s out of print and used copies are, again, typically too musty for us to enjoy.  Imagine my delight when I received it and found that it appears to be a brand new, never-read edition with price tags still affixed, and no musty smell at all.  I can hold this favorite book in my hands, the way it was meant to be enjoyed!

If I may take a little rabbit trail here, one reason I so treasure old essays and columns is that they give a glimpse into a past generation.

We’re told that women in the past were discontent with their limiting roles and viewed them as shackles.  Even historical fiction and movies tend to make this portrayal–the rebel who fights against the cultural limitations of her day.  And certainly women in the past were at times unfairly limited, some of them were unhappy and there was legitimate abuse; I don’t view history through a rose-colored lens.

However, it’s also true that for years, people, on the whole, saw the immense power of the home to shape the culture, and it was more commonly accepted that homemaking was an essential, legitimate, important role.  You know, “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”  That was a pervasive sentiment.  The role of homemakers was celebrated and honored.

I believe that women should be free to pursue their gifts and talents as God leads, both in and outside the home, but I’m also a hopeless traditionalist and I see so much value in the  idea of man as breadwinner/woman as nurturer and homemaker.

I think that is one reason I am so passionate about helping families find ways to be as frugal as possible, so that women are better able to come home if they wish. 

This isn’t a perspective that’s limited to complimentarian Christians.  One of my favorite homemaking blogs is by Cherry Menlove, a self-avowed (and apparently secular) feminist, who loves to inspire women who want to be full-time homemakers.  The two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.

This is a quote of Laura’s that I love:

As someone has said, “Thoughts are things,” and the atmosphere is every home depends on the kind of thoughts each member of that home is thinking…

Each individual has a share in making this atmosphere of the home what it is, but the mother can mold it more to her wishes…

Let’s be cheerful!  We have no more right to steal the brightness out of the day for our own family than we have to steal the purse of a stranger.  Let us be as careful that our homes are furnished with pleasant and happy thoughts as we are that the rugs are the right color and texture and the furniture comfortable and beautiful!

photo

In any case, re-reading Little House in the Ozarks came at a serendipitous time, since I had just finished making this Pinterest knock-off, which is another quote from one of Laura’s columns.  It lives on top of my aqua armoir.

This afternoon I hope to carve out a little time to continue reading with Laura and putting in a few more stitches in the dish rags I love to knit.

Happy Sunday to you!

What have you been reading lately?  And tell me about a dream of yours that has come true!

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